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Date: 17-01-12
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Date: 17-01-12
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Date: 10-01-12
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Date: 09-01-12
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Don't make me take my earrings off. Or put my drink down.

Jill shows up at Cindy’s edgy downtown apartment at 8 a.m. for reasons that are perfectly unclear. Do people do that? Just show up at one another’s houses first thing in the morning to gossip about acquaintances? Because that’s what is happening here: they’re eating muffins and talking about just how awful Ramona is exactly (very awful). And then Jill goes to work. Uh, ok.

Later, for reasons that are even less clear, Jill accompanies Cindy to her edgy downtown dentist. Because Jill kind of knows the dentist in question? Sure. I, too, always take women I barely know to the dentist with me in case they have some valuable insight to offer my dentist regarding my teeth. Which Jill does. FACT: Jill and her entire family are like medical doctors evening formal dress , but without all the medical school or licenses or training or stuff. They just know a whole lot about medicine. Unnecessarily long story short, Jill tells the dentist what to do to Cindy’s veneers, and Cindy requests a Valium. You and me both, sister.

Oh, and the Big Question of Cindy’s baby daddy that no one is asking? MYSTERY SOLVED. It seems that Cindy was in a relationship with some guy named Kevin when she finally became pregnant with all of his babies at age 61 or however old she is, and then they broke up two months after she gave birth. Hey, why not, you know? But somehow there are no hard feelings, and Kevin comes to her edgy downtown apartment every so often to play with the babies while Cindy sits nearby and glares at him and tells him he’s doin’ it rong. And now you know.

So, Sonja has decided to host a masquerade ball as one is wont to do. To prepare for this for-no-good-reason masquerade ball, Sonja has Chris March of Project Runway‘s fabulousness come over to her house and look at her wig. This literally is what happens, and is not a euphemism. Chris March shows up at her house, she reveals a terrible terrible cotton ball wig that she wants him to do something with, he scrunches his face in disgust. Also he needs to do something to this cheap mask she bought. And also this sexxxy Marie Antoinette Halloween costume that she picked up at Party City. (Seriously, red bridesmaid dress red bridesmaid dress does Sonja do all of her shopping at Party City? Yes, yes she does.) Chris March keeps going on about how terrifying her wig is — again, not a euphemism — and then encourages her to wear gold lame hot pants with the sexy Marie Antoinette costume, to make it more historically accurate, I suppose.

There’s a boring part where The Countess and Jill shop for their respective costumes. Ooh, look at me, I’m a princess! Ooh, look at me, I’m Scarlett O’Hara! Ooh, look at me, I’VE FALLEN ASLEEP.

While getting ready for her completely uncalled for masquerade ball, Sonja explains the houseboy thing. YES. DO TELL. Following her divorce, Sonja found herself strapped for cash monies, which is sad because her personal staff costs are enormous! Do you know how much a mail-picker-upper gets paid these days? Ever the resourceful one (see: toaster oven), Sonja came up with a genius solution: indentured servitude. Somehow (blackmail, pills, threats), she convinces her “friends” to send her their children and nieces and nephews to come live with her and fetch her tea and deliver her laundry for free. It’s a win-win for everyone! Especially when they speak not a word of English! Hooray!

ANYWAY. Sonja and her niece get ready for the pointless masquerade ball together, giggling over the fact that neither of them have remembered their panties. Gross.

Fairy Godfather Chris March arrives with Sonja’s bedazzled costume, befeathered mask and a completely new wig, clearly having thrown away the beQ-tipped one that she sent home with him. Also, gold lame hot pants. Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo: you look like a slut!

On the bouncy, champagne-spilling ride to the masquerade ball, The Countess calls Sonja with her regrets — she’s not going to be able to attend this silly little costume party on account of being nobility. Terribly sorry, dear. Kiss kiss. And Sonja has a sad because she was really looking forward to seeing The Countess in her costume. Sonja is absolutely certain that The Countess would have come as Josephine Baker or Grace Jones or in some other form of blackface. Wait, what?

It seems Sonja’s completely uncalled for masquerade ball is in the basement of Cipriani’ taffeta bridesmaid dresses ;s, which they adorably call The Vault to make it less pathetic. And as Jill accurately describes, the whole affair is less “masquerade ball” flower girl dress flower girl dress; and more “ cocktail party where people looked ridiculous in very tight quarters.” Word. Bonus champagne points to you, Jill. You’re fast becoming my very favoritest.

Sonja becomes increasingly champagned, and begins teetering about awkwardly while shrieking that she’s not wearing her petticoat. And in a moment I can’t unsee, there is so much cellulited, bruised, middle-aged culo. SO MUCH. CAN’T UNSEE. Look, I don’t want to hate, Sonja is pretty I suppose, but the truth is I avoid looking at my own culo, AND FOR A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON. THERE’S NOTHING GOOD TO BE SEEN DOWN THERE. PUT ON PANTS.

I need a glass of Pinot Grigio. Or eleventy.

Speaking of!

Oh Ramona. You’re kind of breaking my heart a little. What with your “modeling” and your “sexy eyes” looking like “a young Pamela Anderson.” Yes, modeling is hard work, having to smile when someone tells you to smile and whatnot, all the while your personal assistant and friends are telling you how perfect you look while you stand akimbo and stare googly-eyed into that unforgiving lens. Hard work, indeed. You deserve a glass of wine after all that hard “work,” lady.

And thanks to her new line of Pinot Grigio, work and getting lit on glass after glass of cheap white wine go hand in hand for Ramona! WIN. Ramona hosts a wine launch party in what appears to be an elementary school classroom, which, sure, and invites everyone. Well, not Cindy. Let’s not be ridiculous. Among those invited is The Bride whose wedding Jill, Alex and Ramona collectively set out to destroy earlier in the season. The Bride marches up to Ramona and announces that at the wedding, Jill spat in her face, threw a glass of red wine on her gown and then said Ramona was ugly and stupid. OK, FINE. According to The Bride, at the wedding, Jill asked The Bride why she invited Alex and then wondered why The Bride was friends with Ramona simple wedding dresses , affordable flower girl dress affordable flower girl dress which is far less interesting than my version of events.

Other people arrive, Ramona gets increasingly soused and takes some pictures where she’s licking a bottle of wine for some reason while everyone looks on and talk about how “Pinot Grigio” Ramona is. The Countess tries to engage Ramona in a conversation about the wine and how it’s bottled, but Ramona is NOT HERE TO TALK TECHNICALITIES ABOUT HER WINE. SHE’S HERE TO SELL HER WINE. Good argument.

Ramona extricates herself from pesky questions re: oak versus steel barrels by charging after Jill and dragging her off by her hair so as to confront her about The Bride’s accusations. They shriek at one another for a while, long enough for some dummy to wander over and offer them some pizza in an attempt to defuse the situation. Operation Pizza!Pizza! is a failure, a line bridal gowns a line bridal gowns alas, and Jill storms out of the first grade classroom in a snit.

Outside, Jill confronts The Bride, who agrees that maybe, possibly, it was someone else who said that thing that was said about Ramona. Whoops!

And so instead of going home and pouring herself a big glass of So What, Who Cares, Jill goes marching right back into the party to explain to a drunken Ramona that she worked things out with The Bride, and would like to talk to Ramona over lunch, perhaps. Ramona, evening and formal dresses however, is knee-deep in Pinot and starts drunkenly screaming at Jill again. (sigh) After much yelling and drunk wild eyes and flapping of hands, Jill leaves, again, and sobs in the back of a cab to a sympathetic The Countess about how she just can’t be friends with Ramona anymore. To emphasize how serious she is, Jill gives the 75¢ koala clippy that she bought for Ramona in Australia to The Countess to give to Ramona. THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Also, Lunchbox Head was in this episode dressed as Cleopatra, the end.


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Date: 02-01-12
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Date: 02-01-12
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